A martial arts monkey trying outwit an evil organization and help a nerdy kid get a date... that must've been some strong stuff the producers were on...
Wow, just wow. It's weird how producers will create a movie without
putting effort into it and some studio will accept the project without
considering the potential of it, or lack thereof. So, I'm going to go
ahead and summarize the whole movie for you: an intelligent,
karate-chopping monkey is being used by a secret organization for evil,
because hey, why do it the easy way with, you know, competent people,
when you can go buy a monkey and train it for bad? But the monkey's
karate-fighting trainer, played by the once-great actor Matthew Modine,
breaks him out of his cage to save him and starts a new life near the
beach. They also meet a new kid named Michael, who is played by Seth
Adkins and gives an Oscar-worthy performance as a nerdy kid who can't
get the girl (Or so he thinks! Hooray for foreshadowing!). And so they
help him gain his confidence and even gives him a few tips on dating,
because a martial-arts chimpanzee and his trainer are always the first
things that come to mind when talking about dating. They even snag him
a spot on the football team! But, OH NO! The bad guys are catching up
with them at their house, but don't worry! It's only the two hilarious
henchman that bring a barrel of laughs with them every time they do
some clumsy antic, like picking up a burning piece of paper without
realizing it and screaming! I near peed myself! It's funny because they
could just drop the piece of paper and put it out, but where's the
hilarity in that?! Ho ho, what a delightfully comical bunch of
henchman! But meanwhile, Michael gets the girl of his dreams, all
thanks to a bunch of confidence, perseverance, and most of all,
teamwork! After all, he couldn't have done it without his friends, a
monkey and his trainer! But then the movie takes a suspenseful turn
when the monkey is kidnapped, and a scary doctor (Gilbert Gottfried,
for some reason) hired by the evil organization is about to do horrible
things to him! But I won't spoil the ending because I can tell you are
about to jump up and go rent it this second. Oh hell, I can't help it,
I just have to tell! They rescue the monkey, and all just in time for
Michael's football game to impress his girlfriend! But uh oh! The
henchman, their boss, and the other bad guys dress in football uniforms
to go out onto the field and get the monkey, who is also playing on
Michael's team (Gee, does that sound familiar? Maybe similar to that
sports-playing retriever the Disney company has been capitalizing on
for years?)! But don't worry, in a suspenseful action football fight,
the good guys win! Whew, I was scared there for a second. And, that's
pretty much it. But back in reality, what drug could possibly be strong
enough to start the visions of one of the dumbest movies ever made? It
has to exist, this movie is proof! Maybe the corporation thought making
a movie with the coolest things in it would be a hit! Martial arts,
evil organizations, gadgets, and monkeys, and you pretty much get what
they obviously saw. Funky Monkey is one of the dumbest and most
pointless movies I have ever seen. That's all there is to it..
May God have mercy on their souls!
I am a student of film, and have been for several years. And the
concept of a cyber, kung-fu, satirical chimpanzee had me wondering, "Is
this the film that's going to break the mold?" Let's face it, America
has never been let down by any piece of cinema that features a simian
costar. After such great classics as "Monkey Trouble" and "Dunston
Checks In", I thought that the best ideas were already taken. But then
comes "Funky Monkey". I laughed, I cried, I contemplated suicide.
Now I've read about demon possession in the Bible, but that still
doesn't explain why someone would create such a product of evil. First
off, having at least a shred of intelligence, I realized that a
chimpanzee was in fact an ape, not a monkey at all. However, I was sure
that the filmmakers would clear this problem up further into the film.
They didn't. Let me sum up this work of art: A company by the name of
Z.I.T. has decided to train chimpanzees as soldiers. Why? I think they
mention something about the soldiers working for bananas, but when it
would cost about an estimated 13 million dollars of government money to
train one chimp, this doesn't seem cost-effective. Well anyways, Z.I.T.
brings in a CIA specialist (Matthew Modine) to train Clemens (The
Chimp). Clemens is everything Z.I.T. hoped for. He can take out an
entire shift of guards, who all appear to have gotten their training
skills at the local mall, and yet still manage to remind us that we're
watching a kid's movie. As you may have guessed, Modine finds out that
Z.I.T.'s intentions may be evil (Gasp!) and decides to break Clemens
out. Being a CIA agent and all, Modine knows that best way to make
himself disappear is to go to a large city, rent a guest room,
regularly make appearances on television while fighting crime, and
using checks to pay for everything.
Z.I.T. finds out where Modine is staying, and sends two of their finest
to retrieve him. These guards are possibly the greatest comedy team up
since Martin and Lewis, or was it Turner and Hooch? It doesn't matter
anyways, because in the end, for a heck of a twist ending, the good
guys win!!! Yay! Hooray for predictability! Throw in a nerdy kid who
learns to be himself, a lonely mom who needs a date, and music montages
that feature songs that would even be blackballed by Radio Disney and
you get "Funky Monkey". The climax to the movie? A football game!
Played by thugs, bumblers, a chimp, and the nerd boy. No one seems to
care about such substitutions at a high school football game.
Funky Monkey never lets up! It's edge of your seat entertainment. Some
might even call this the "American Beauty" of monkey-filled features.
After finishing this epic, I recalled hearing a story about a railroad
worker who lost much of his brain functions when a metal rod pierced
his temporal lobe. Funky Monkey is a metal rod among movies..